[I’m reposting my old porn blogs here, since I had to take them down from Blogger after the Google buyout thing. I’ll do it one or two at a time, just so it’s not overwhelming.]
“Fuck the motherfucking war!”
Rocco Siffredi Presents: Those Fuckin’ Nuts
2006, Evil Angel
Rocco Siffredi’s movies don’t follow the same formula as most
mainstream porn movies. There’s something anarchic about the way that,
say, cumshots will happen in the middle of a scene, and some actors
don’t enter the scene until the very end. In the orgy scenes sometimes
it’s hard to tell who’s doing what, not because of shoddy camera work
but because there’s just so many damn people in the room. And, unlike
in most straight porn, almost all the guys are hot. Really, really
hot.
Those Fuckin’ Nuts is a likeable comedy about some guys who pretend
they’re nuts in order to avoid getting sent off to war—never mind that
all the actors are clearly from different countries, that’s not the
point. This leads to all kinds of elaborate setups, including an orgy
scene in the middle of the mental hospital, and another one where the
doctor goes crazy and watches from below as her husband does it with
six nurses atop the glass-top dining room table. Even if that scene
isn’t all it could be (I mean, being gay and all, I admit that I’m
probably less into six-girl reverse-gangbangs than the target
audience, but French actor Jean Valjean looks a little bit too much
like Taylor Hanson for me to really get into the scene.
Aside from Valjean, though, almost all the guys are gorgeous. Cristian
Martin, Sebastian Barrios and Giorgio Grandi, especially. They’re all
Siffredi regulars, and they’re all in three out of the movie’s five
scenes (except for Grandi who, um, isn’t in the last scene for some
reason.) They’re strong-looking, but look like they get it from
playing sports and not from spending eight hours a day in the gym. And
none of them are ugly in the face, either, except for Mike Chapman,
who’s too loud to be really hot.
Actually, I’m not a big fan of Omar Galanti, either. He just seems
like a big goober, and something about his acting made me want to kick
him. He also had unfortunate facial hair, something I’m sure I’ll have
to get used to if I’m going to watch this much porn.
Like the guys, a majority of the girls are hot, too. Kitty Sixx, who
plays the doctor, has that awful pornstar underbite protruding jaw
thing that men apparently think is sexy, but once she’s actually doing
it she’s a lot cuter. I also liked Lora Craft, star of the movie’s
sole one-on-one scene. I was also a big fan of the blonde nurse with
the glasses in the orgy scene, but due to the fact that I don’t
recognize anybody I have no idea what her name is.
I’m sure it’s a coincidence, but I’d like to note that in two days of
watching movies I’ve now seen two mental hospital scenes. This one’s
definitely the better of the two, particularly because in addition to
four girls and a shitload off guys there’s a bunch of older hospital
patients just standing there watching the whole thing. It’s really
strange, and oddly not distracting, to see four elderly ladies in the
background of some of the shots.
This movie’s a lot of fun, which is about all I could ask for when
watching porn. The camerawork is interesting, the setups are hot, and
almost all the performances are bang on. I only hope—in vain, I’m
sure—that all the movies I watch for this blog will be so
entertaining.
Official Website: www.evilangel.com/page.php?node=item&item_id=1778
Rocci Siffredi: www.roccosiffredi.com
[I'm reposting my old porn blogs here, since I had to take them down from Blogger after the Google buyout thing. I'll do it one or two at a time, just so it's not overwhelming.]
“I thought spirit guides came in the guise of a wolf, buffalo, bison,
or salmon.”
Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre
2005, Wicked
So, this is my first entry in the world of porn blogging. There’s a
lot out there, and basically had no clue where to start. I thought I’d
look at the list of winners of last year’s AVN awards. This one picked
up a bunch, ranging from Best Sex Comedy to Best Supporting Actress to
Best DVD Extras. I can’t speak for the DVD extras because I, um, found
the movie online, but I figured reviewing something award-winning
would be a decent start into the world of adult movies.
Not that I’ve never watched porn before, or anything. I’ve just never
really studied it that closely, or thought about it after I was done
watching.
The plot of Camp Cuddly Pines centers around two couples who get stuck
on their way to a concert they mysteriously got tickets for. They’re
with their nerdy friend, who brought along his video camera. The two
couples start fucking, they stop paying attention to the road, and
they run somebody over.
Anyway, it’s a spoof of horror movies, none of which I’ve actually
seen, so I don’t really get most of the references. I did laugh out
loud at one point, when the movie goes black and white and Voodoo
(that’s the actor’s name—I had no idea) gets visited by a creepy lady
emerging from a well (played by Nicole Sheridan, who I just learned is
his real-life wife). Apparently it’s some kind of reference to The
Ring which, for some reason, I’ve never had any desire to see. It’s a
good scene because, unlike a lot of plot-based porn, they actually
stay in character during the sex. There’s a lot of grunting and
twitching, and Sheridan is kind of hot despite her character’s nasty
hair; it makes up for the fact that Voodoo is pretty boring.
Anyway—that’s a highlight of the movie, but there’s also Tommy Gunn
getting visited by an Indian spirit, a scene in an asylum where doctor
Manuel Ferrara does it with four noisy female patients, and a scene
set in the fifties with Kinzie Kenner and Scott Nails. He’s, you know,
okay-looking, but she’s actually really hot, and I usually hate that
porn-girl high school pigtail thing.
Stormy Daniels, who won the AVN Best Supporting Actress award for
this, is also hot as Kirsten, one of the gang that get trapped. She
plays the ditz, and gets most of the best lines in the movie. I’m not
exactly sure what qualifies her as a supporting actress, since she’s
in three sex scenes and even on the DVD box she’s in the foreground.
The men in the movie aren’t exactly my style; despite being in the
movie’s best scene, Voodoo is mildly annoying and completely
unremarkable in just about every way, even though he is occasionally
funny; his friend Tommy Gunn is a little better, even if he does look
about twenty-seven years too old to play someone in high school. Randy
Spears is mildly hot as a creepy sheriff. The only guy that really got
my juices flowing, though, is Eric Masterson, the nerd with the
camera, who gets to be in three consecutive scenes at the end.
I actually like the movie; it kept me entertained even though, you
know, I didn’t really get any of the references and thought only about
half the cast was attractive. One of the things about porn I’ve come
to realize is that it’s long. A horror movie spoof in non-porn world
really shouldn’t be any more than, oh, 100 minutes or so. But this is
150, and didn’t really drag. Of course, there’s ten sex scenes in the
movie, but still. There’s a lot of voyeurism going on; there’s Eric
Masterson and his camera, and then there’s a lot of scenes of the
killer watching the sex through windows and from behind trees. I like
that, and it makes for some interesting angles.
I guess I don’t have much to say, overall, but this is only the first
step on my long road to becoming a porn expert.
Offical Website: www.campcuddlypines.com
Studio Website: www.wickedpictures.net
Hello. My name’s Matthew, this is my new blog. I’m not quite sure what it’s going to be yet. Back in January, I started a porn review blog over on Blogger (well, first on Vox, then on Blogger), but gave that up after it became too time-consuming (I was trying to do a movie every day) and then I realized that if I left comments on other people’s blogs it would automatically link to mine, because Google seems to intent on everybody knowing everything about everyone. This could have gotten embarrassing, since I don’t necessarily want the whole world to know about my porn viewing habits.
But the dirty blog itch struck again, so here I am. I found out about Silent Pillow, by the way, through an ad in the adult gigs section of Minneapolis Craigslist. This is because my day job is incredibly boring and there’s not much to do besides look at the adult gigs in other cities’ Craigslists.
Anyway. I’ll write more when I think of something to actually say.
