Filed under: music
After reading blogger after blogger carry on and on about how amazing Bonde do Role are live, I have to say I was a little disappointed in their show Monday at Harper’s Ferry in Allston. Sure, they played basically their entire catalog (except, annoyingly, “Geremia,” which is my favorite song of theirs.) And everybody seemed to be having a good time (except the guy with the backpack whose job it was to escort dancers off the stage when they got too rowdy.) And the audience was full of just as many terrible trendy Hamburglar-inspired outfits as I thought it would be. But something wasn’t quite there. Like, then the dude singer threw up on stage into a bucket, it was totally unceremonious. You couldn’t tell if it was on purpose, or whether he was a little embarrassed. It just sort of happened, and then the guy with the backpack took the bucket away. It was a good show (although opener Juiceboxxx was pretty terrible), but one you should kick yourself about missing.
“It’s like poppers!”
Video 1 (from Scent of a Fetish)
San Francisco Fetish Factory, 1999/2004
Providence, where I live, is an interesting city. It’s chock-full of
gays (including the mayor), but there’s almost no gay life here at all
unless you like bars, but even those close at one. There’s no gay
bookstores and only one (really lame) gay coffee shop; and that’s
about all. I mention this because it’s all the more shocking that
there’s, like, no gay fetish porn to be found in this city.
I think Scent of A Fetish is literally THE only movie of its kind at
the porn store near my house. I have no clue how it even got there.
It’s meant for guys that get off on each other’s aromas and, oddly,
it’s kind of a really sexy movie. It’s divided into two hour-long
parts, called Video 1 and Video 2, that were released separately by
the San Francisco Fetish Factory in 1999 but released together on DVD
in 2004.
(Unrelated personal story: I almost puked the one time he ever slept
with somebody into stinks. He showed up at my house wearing a hat that
said ‘HAIRY’, and he was, in fact, one of the hairiest people I’ve
ever seen. Then he proceeded to rub his socks in his armpits and sniff
them while I tried really hard not to pay attention. It was horrible,
and even listening to Dilinger Escape Plan’s Miss Machine album didn’t
help distract me from my awful circumstance. Okay, I just had to get
that out.)
Anyway, I guess Frank Parker is a San Francisco fetish star; he’s kind
of handsome in a disarmingly down-to-earth way, although he has one of
those nasty goatees that the dirty gays always seem to like having. He
looks like the kind of guy it’d be fun to grab a beer with. The first
half of Video 1 is all about him; an anonymous guy with a camera and
gropy hands interviews Parker in the basement of his apartment
building. He’s wearing a t-shirt that he’s had on for days, and he
tells us he’s about to mail it to somebody for some extra money. He
seems really sincere about it, mentioning that he includes a
handwritten note with each order letting the guys know what the
shirt’s been through.
The camera lingers over his body for a long time. It’s a whole
half-hour before he whacks off and jizzes on the shirt, so you get to
know more or less every inch of his body–even the dragon tattoo on
his chest that he says he got after watching Dragonheart.
As soon as he’s done, he stuffs the shirt in an envelope (no note,
though), and then we meet a new guy, who doesn’t act like he’s aware
that there’s even a camera in the room. He’s on his bed and opens the
envelope with Parker’s shirt in it. Then he jerks off with theshirt in
his face, uninterrupted, for half an hour. Half an hour.
The guy is cute enough, but what I really like is how the movie is
really committed to showing every last detail. I don’t know if I’m
reading too much into it, but it seems pretty Warholian. If sex can be
boring, as we all know it can, then why can’t boredom also be sexy?
Throw in some unexpected New Wave-y jump cuts and you’ve got yourself
a movie!
That’s Video 1 in its entirety. Video 2, the sequel, starts out with a
shot of Parker and the other guy making out. Parker, I’m glad to see,
has ditched the nasty goatee. And–that’s all I know, unfortunately.
The DVD froze at that point and I couldn’t skip ahead. So yes–the
only gay fetish movie in the entire video store freezes in the middle.
(And can I just say, all these years on, that I still don’t see what
the big woo about DVDs is? Aside from bonus features which are almost
always boring and an improved quality that isn’t really visible on
mosy TVs, they basically jsut scratch easily and skip a lot. There, I
said it. DVDs are dumb, and I’m not looking forward to this hd-dvd or
BluRay thing, either, because I bet those’ll just be even dumber.)
Anyway, I might try to track down Video 2 somewhere else. If you get
off on slowness (which, apparently, I do), then this is the perfect
movie for you.
“Don’t call me Lucy.”
The Devil’s Playground
1974, dir. Rik Tazi’ner
If I admit to being a little naive when it comes to knowing porn, then
I’m downright ignorant when it comes to the classics. Gay or straight,
I’ve seen almost nothing at all from before 1993, the year I, uh,
discovered my sex. So I thought it might be a good idea to wise myself
up by investigating the local porn store’s classics section. Bypassing
Deep Throat, Behind The Green Door, and The Devil In Miss Jones, I
opted for a crazy-looking movie called The Devil’s Playground.
Boy, was that a mistake. This movie is dumb. Really, really dumb.
The film is about Hell, and how a certain group of ladies got to be
there. We’re told the story by a bizarrely faggy Lucifer (played by
Kelly Guthrie), whose own sex scenes always end with the consumption
of his own spooge. It would have been hot, maybe, except that he looks
a little too much like a younger Bruce Vilanch.
Unfortunately, he’s the only guy in the whole damn movie, except for
one scene with Paul Thomas, who has a fourway with his underage niece
and her two friends. That’s not hot, either. The only good thing about
that scene is that when the girls walk in on him he’s reading a
magazine called Moppets and Teens. It cracked me up. Hoo boy.
The rest of the movie is silly, but dumb silly as opposed to funny
silly. For instance there’s the scene where Lucifer disguises himself
(really poorly) as an old man and seduces a girl on the playground by
playing with a marionette. Because that makes sense. Also, we follow
the same girls from age 11 through adulthood (and, you know, the
afterlife), but they never look any different. Plus, I know some guys
out there might get off on adult girls pretending to be 11, but to me
that’s just one step away from adult baby fetishes. And while I try
not to judge people, that’s one fetish I just really, really don’t
get.
The sex itself is hit or miss. One thing I like is that we only see
some of the cumshots as they splatter on the girls’ pubic hair.
Another thing I like is that they actually HAVE pubic hair. (I mean, I
know it’s a matter of taste, but does NO ONE think it’s not
unattractive to see some hair down there that doesn’t like the girl
spent all morning on it?) The three girls are all really hot,
especially in the boob areas. But Guthrie, as I’ve mentioned, isn’t
attractive at all, and there’s also lots of references to the fact
that he’s supposedly gay. (Although, according to the internet, this
is actually a different version of a gay movie–also directed by
Tazi’ner and starring Guthrie–called Finger Licken Good.)
The movie’s weird, in other words. There’s a whole lot of red,
sometimes to the point where you’re not sure what you’re looking at.
For another thing, there’s some really distracting camera effects. In
the first scene, the camera moves back and forth in time with a lady
who’s giving Lucifer a blow job, so it looks like she’s standing still
and he and the background are moving. It took me a minute to even
realize what was happening.
While parts ot the movie (ie. the boobs) are nice, I can’t say that
watching this was a very productive or entertaining way to spend a
morning.
(Unrelatedly to this blog, while researching names for this post I
came across something really funny…. At this one guy’s sci-fi
website he includes a list of sci-fi porn movies with the following
disclaimer:
“I, your humble webmaster, don’t buy x-rated videotapes, and don’t
want my 8-year old child to see them. But, as a scholarly reviewer, I
cannot deny that there is some overlap between the Science
Fiction/Fantasy genres and the x-rated “sexvids”, and as some sort of
service to the public, if only to warn the sensitive away from this
sort of material, I have a little list here, substantially based on
“The X-Rated Videotape Guide” by Robert H. Rimmer, New York: Harmony
Books 1984. I am a happily married man who strongly believes in
monogamy. I also believe in Freedom of Speech. I in no way endorse the
following.”
He sounds like quite the little pilgrim, doesn’t he? Which is why I
think it’s kind of funny that a movie about hell would be considered
science fiction…. Also, I wonder how listing things one has
allegedly not seen qualifies one to be a “scholarly reviewer.”)
[I’m reposting my old porn blogs here, since I had to take them down from Blogger after the Google buyout thing. I’ll do it one or two at a time, just so it’s not overwhelming.]
“Fuck the motherfucking war!”
Rocco Siffredi Presents: Those Fuckin’ Nuts
2006, Evil Angel
Rocco Siffredi’s movies don’t follow the same formula as most
mainstream porn movies. There’s something anarchic about the way that,
say, cumshots will happen in the middle of a scene, and some actors
don’t enter the scene until the very end. In the orgy scenes sometimes
it’s hard to tell who’s doing what, not because of shoddy camera work
but because there’s just so many damn people in the room. And, unlike
in most straight porn, almost all the guys are hot. Really, really
hot.
Those Fuckin’ Nuts is a likeable comedy about some guys who pretend
they’re nuts in order to avoid getting sent off to war—never mind that
all the actors are clearly from different countries, that’s not the
point. This leads to all kinds of elaborate setups, including an orgy
scene in the middle of the mental hospital, and another one where the
doctor goes crazy and watches from below as her husband does it with
six nurses atop the glass-top dining room table. Even if that scene
isn’t all it could be (I mean, being gay and all, I admit that I’m
probably less into six-girl reverse-gangbangs than the target
audience, but French actor Jean Valjean looks a little bit too much
like Taylor Hanson for me to really get into the scene.
Aside from Valjean, though, almost all the guys are gorgeous. Cristian
Martin, Sebastian Barrios and Giorgio Grandi, especially. They’re all
Siffredi regulars, and they’re all in three out of the movie’s five
scenes (except for Grandi who, um, isn’t in the last scene for some
reason.) They’re strong-looking, but look like they get it from
playing sports and not from spending eight hours a day in the gym. And
none of them are ugly in the face, either, except for Mike Chapman,
who’s too loud to be really hot.
Actually, I’m not a big fan of Omar Galanti, either. He just seems
like a big goober, and something about his acting made me want to kick
him. He also had unfortunate facial hair, something I’m sure I’ll have
to get used to if I’m going to watch this much porn.
Like the guys, a majority of the girls are hot, too. Kitty Sixx, who
plays the doctor, has that awful pornstar underbite protruding jaw
thing that men apparently think is sexy, but once she’s actually doing
it she’s a lot cuter. I also liked Lora Craft, star of the movie’s
sole one-on-one scene. I was also a big fan of the blonde nurse with
the glasses in the orgy scene, but due to the fact that I don’t
recognize anybody I have no idea what her name is.
I’m sure it’s a coincidence, but I’d like to note that in two days of
watching movies I’ve now seen two mental hospital scenes. This one’s
definitely the better of the two, particularly because in addition to
four girls and a shitload off guys there’s a bunch of older hospital
patients just standing there watching the whole thing. It’s really
strange, and oddly not distracting, to see four elderly ladies in the
background of some of the shots.
This movie’s a lot of fun, which is about all I could ask for when
watching porn. The camerawork is interesting, the setups are hot, and
almost all the performances are bang on. I only hope—in vain, I’m
sure—that all the movies I watch for this blog will be so
entertaining.
Official Website: www.evilangel.com/page.php?node=item&item_id=1778
Rocci Siffredi: www.roccosiffredi.com
[I'm reposting my old porn blogs here, since I had to take them down from Blogger after the Google buyout thing. I'll do it one or two at a time, just so it's not overwhelming.]
“I thought spirit guides came in the guise of a wolf, buffalo, bison,
or salmon.”
Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre
2005, Wicked
So, this is my first entry in the world of porn blogging. There’s a
lot out there, and basically had no clue where to start. I thought I’d
look at the list of winners of last year’s AVN awards. This one picked
up a bunch, ranging from Best Sex Comedy to Best Supporting Actress to
Best DVD Extras. I can’t speak for the DVD extras because I, um, found
the movie online, but I figured reviewing something award-winning
would be a decent start into the world of adult movies.
Not that I’ve never watched porn before, or anything. I’ve just never
really studied it that closely, or thought about it after I was done
watching.
The plot of Camp Cuddly Pines centers around two couples who get stuck
on their way to a concert they mysteriously got tickets for. They’re
with their nerdy friend, who brought along his video camera. The two
couples start fucking, they stop paying attention to the road, and
they run somebody over.
Anyway, it’s a spoof of horror movies, none of which I’ve actually
seen, so I don’t really get most of the references. I did laugh out
loud at one point, when the movie goes black and white and Voodoo
(that’s the actor’s name—I had no idea) gets visited by a creepy lady
emerging from a well (played by Nicole Sheridan, who I just learned is
his real-life wife). Apparently it’s some kind of reference to The
Ring which, for some reason, I’ve never had any desire to see. It’s a
good scene because, unlike a lot of plot-based porn, they actually
stay in character during the sex. There’s a lot of grunting and
twitching, and Sheridan is kind of hot despite her character’s nasty
hair; it makes up for the fact that Voodoo is pretty boring.
Anyway—that’s a highlight of the movie, but there’s also Tommy Gunn
getting visited by an Indian spirit, a scene in an asylum where doctor
Manuel Ferrara does it with four noisy female patients, and a scene
set in the fifties with Kinzie Kenner and Scott Nails. He’s, you know,
okay-looking, but she’s actually really hot, and I usually hate that
porn-girl high school pigtail thing.
Stormy Daniels, who won the AVN Best Supporting Actress award for
this, is also hot as Kirsten, one of the gang that get trapped. She
plays the ditz, and gets most of the best lines in the movie. I’m not
exactly sure what qualifies her as a supporting actress, since she’s
in three sex scenes and even on the DVD box she’s in the foreground.
The men in the movie aren’t exactly my style; despite being in the
movie’s best scene, Voodoo is mildly annoying and completely
unremarkable in just about every way, even though he is occasionally
funny; his friend Tommy Gunn is a little better, even if he does look
about twenty-seven years too old to play someone in high school. Randy
Spears is mildly hot as a creepy sheriff. The only guy that really got
my juices flowing, though, is Eric Masterson, the nerd with the
camera, who gets to be in three consecutive scenes at the end.
I actually like the movie; it kept me entertained even though, you
know, I didn’t really get any of the references and thought only about
half the cast was attractive. One of the things about porn I’ve come
to realize is that it’s long. A horror movie spoof in non-porn world
really shouldn’t be any more than, oh, 100 minutes or so. But this is
150, and didn’t really drag. Of course, there’s ten sex scenes in the
movie, but still. There’s a lot of voyeurism going on; there’s Eric
Masterson and his camera, and then there’s a lot of scenes of the
killer watching the sex through windows and from behind trees. I like
that, and it makes for some interesting angles.
I guess I don’t have much to say, overall, but this is only the first
step on my long road to becoming a porn expert.
Offical Website: www.campcuddlypines.com
Studio Website: www.wickedpictures.net
Hello. My name’s Matthew, this is my new blog. I’m not quite sure what it’s going to be yet. Back in January, I started a porn review blog over on Blogger (well, first on Vox, then on Blogger), but gave that up after it became too time-consuming (I was trying to do a movie every day) and then I realized that if I left comments on other people’s blogs it would automatically link to mine, because Google seems to intent on everybody knowing everything about everyone. This could have gotten embarrassing, since I don’t necessarily want the whole world to know about my porn viewing habits.
But the dirty blog itch struck again, so here I am. I found out about Silent Pillow, by the way, through an ad in the adult gigs section of Minneapolis Craigslist. This is because my day job is incredibly boring and there’s not much to do besides look at the adult gigs in other cities’ Craigslists.
Anyway. I’ll write more when I think of something to actually say.
