Mixtapes for Hookers

Starfucker Thursday: Rich Franklin

(This post was originally going to be the first installment of something I was going to call The Twelve Days of Starfucking, but, um, today’s the third day and I’m just posting the first one. So I doubt I’ve got the follow-through to do this every day for the next week and a half.)

After Christmas dinner the other night, I left my parents and my grandparents playing cards and I snuck off to check my e-mail and take a quick nap. I dozed off after about ten minutes of watching the history of Nintendo on CNBC (along with stupid Lexus commercials every two minutes.) And when I woke up, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a hot hot hot hot man wearing skimpy shorts! On CNBC, no less!

It was Rich Franklin, the former middleweight titleholder for the UFC. In case you didn’t know, the UFC is the fighting league where a bunch of guys get in a ring and genuinely beat the shit out of each other. You can distinguish the UFC from pro wrestling in several ways: the UFC fighters are less cartoony and usually (though not always) have less embarrassing hair; the UFC has more blood; and the fighters attack with their legs as well as their arms (and not, you know, with chairs or women or whatever they’re doing in the WWE these days.) Oh, and for some reason the UFC ring is octagonal.

I’ve never actually watched a UFC fight, or not since like ’95 anyway, when my dad used to watch it on pay-per-view and I pretended I thought it was dumb. So I kind of lost track of how totally fucking hot the fighters are. Sure, there’s some fugly ones and more than a few awful tattoos, but overall, there’s some sexy dudes in the UFC.

 

But, lest you get the wrong idea, ultimate fighting is TOTALLY not gay. It’s not like sissy high school wrestling, where boys who spring boners willy-nilly in the back of trig class aggressively jam their bodies onto those of other spandex-clad boys. No, Ultimate Fighting (or Mixed Martial Arts, or MMA for short) is wicked straight. You can tell, because they often show it at Hooters, the restaurant that’s kind of like a strip club but with greasy food and no actual nipple exposure. Straight, right? Plus, Ultimate Fighting is always either on Spike (the network for MEN!) or Pay-Per-View (the more expensive network for MEN!) Also, Joe Rogan is one of the commentators, and he’s not gay! He’s kinda hot, in the way that I’d like to see him sub for a bunch of Titan Men, but he’s really straight nonetheless! Also, just in case you were in doubt about the striaghtness of this, UFC fighters’s shorts have a really low spandex content.

That said, I still want Rich Franklin to sneak up on me in a dark alley. He’s taller and less cube-shaped than a lot of the other fighters. He’s all muscle, but in a way that he doesn’t look freakish, which I guess is what happens when you’re a middleweight. And while he seems a little on the clean-cut side (he taught math before becoming a fighter), he also seems like he could be really, really dirty. Especially when he’s in little shorts and sweaty and in very close contact with another hot sweaty man in little shorts.  And while yes, he does look a little bit like Jim Carrey (hence his nickname, Ace) he looks more more like he could be Jim Carrey’s totally slammin’ brother with the pretty eyes and hot legs.

I watched the whole show and then had to sneak into the bathroom to rub one out before I could face my family again, especially because of this weird yet wonderfully comfortable new policy they adopted this year where we suddenly have Christmas in our pajamas.

Franklin’s not fighting in UFC 79, which is taking place on Saturday in Vegas, but a bunch of hot guys are, like dopey-looking-in-a-hot-way Matt Hughes, wannabe leather daddy Chuck Liddell, and the scruffy redheaded Canadian Mark Bocek..It’s on Pay Per View and surely costs too much. Maybe I’ll go check it out at Hooters.

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