Why, why, why did I ever decide to plan two big events in the same month? In the same month, mind you, that includes the busiest week of the year at my job? Stupid, stupid, stupid!
That said, I’ll try not to post too infrequently over the next few weeks, but I can’t guarantee anything.
What with Memorial Day signaling the non-geographic start of summer, I thought I’d ditch the black and go with a new white look for the site. Also, you may have noticed that I finally pointed mixtapesforhookers.com to this blog, which is something I’ve been meaning to do for four months. I also pointed autonomyboy.com here, so that I can tell people about the site and not have to worry about the domain name pointing their mail to the spam folder.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: eurovision, liveblogging, sebastien tellier, serbia, Uncategorized
Watch along with me, as I view the tackiest spectacle known to man on a tiny little internet player.
3.02–I just got the Mac plugin to work, and just in time for the festivities to begin. There’s someone dressed as a bride, I’m not sure why.
3.04–This is reminding me of the offensive (and offensively stupid) movie version of the villain who was neither a man nor a woman in the Lemony Snicket movie.
3.07–The hosts are coming out. The dancers that were supposed to look like robots kind of failed. Ooh, I love this host-woman’s voice. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that in my previous posts.
3.12–Nico and Vlad from Romania are up first. Nico still sounds like a Lisa Lisa ballad; Vlad still sounds like the demon spawn of Enrique Iglesias and the Phantom of the Opera. There’s applause. 0 points for Romania.
3.15–The UK now. This song would have been okay if it were 1991 and by Lisa Stansfield. I give it 2 points.
3.16–I like the Tiffany bull-head shape of the stage. Which is good, because apparently on a Mac you can’t make the screen large enough to comfortably look at without squinting.
3.18–This is day 3 of watching these country introduction postcard dancy montage things, and I still don’t understand what’s happening in them at all.
3.19–This Albanian lady is really flat, and this song is worse than I remembered. By which I mean, I don’t even remember it from hearing it at the semi-final two days ago.
3.22–Germany’s turn. There’s four girls and they’re all dressed in what appears to be a new line by Weezie Jefferson for Victoria’s Secret. I’ll give Germany five points. Oh, and none for Albania, because I’ve already forgotten her.
3.25–A clown on a unicycle!
3.26–Armenia’s up. Time for a pee break.
3.26–Nothing against Armenia, mind you. Actually, this song is better today than it was earlier this week. It seems like it, anyway.
3.28–The texture of her hair kind of frightens me, for some reason. The dress is actually cute, though.
3.30–Oh, it’s that crazy-awesome Bosnian guy with his sister, who’s wearing a dress with apples on them. And there’s more brides!
3.32–The brides are knitting! And my computer is freezing! I still wonder whether this song makes any sense if you know what they’re singing about.
3.33–Ooh, Serbian sorority types are yelling!
3.34–Belgrade looks surprisingly like Epcot. Also, the boy behind this shouting woman is cute.
3.34–Speaking of cute, time for adorable Boaz from Israel and his terribly cheesy bilingual ballad nonsense!
3.36–He’s wearing the shiny vest with no shirt under it again. The song is still terrible, but I give him four points, anyway.
3.37–More cute Israeli boys! Five of them!
3.38–Okay, only two of the five were cute, but still. Now it’s time for Finnish metal! I bet it’s going to sound good after that eye-catching but ear-melting Israeli dreck. And… I kinda like it.
3.39–Remember The Darkness, you guys?
3.42–Seven for Finland. Ooh, now it’s time for 75 Cents.
3.44–This lady’s a really funny dancer. And these guys are classy. Lots of points for Croatia.
3.45–The old man’s scratching a Victrola! They’re awesome!
3.47–Poland. The song still sounds like a Jessica Simpson ballad, and the woman still looks like Barbie in a bad way. She wrote the words and music herself, though, which I’m surprised about. Actually, this kinda sounds like that Whitney Houston song from the Prince of Egypt.
3.49–I wish I had another Awful Awful right now, to add to the one I slammed before putting this on.
3.50–No points for Poland. Now Iceland’s on; this song is too gay to function.
3.51–Now the audio and video on this stream are about five seconds apart, which makes the whole thing even more ridiculous. This song is terrible.
3.53–I relaunched my player, partly to get the audio and video to sync again but mostly to not have to hear the rest of that gay-ass song.
3.54–Ooh, now it’s time for Turkey and their waxy singer. This song’s really grown on me over the last week. It’s one of my favorites now, and I like the guy’s voice.
3.56–I wish his eyebrows were a little less shaped-looking.
3.57–As Eartha Kitt would say, “Oh, those Turks!” Nine points. Ooh, and now that sexy but goofy reporter is on.
3.59–Time for Portugal. This song is called Senhora del mar, and I don’t know whether or not it’s about a mermaid, but I hope so.
3.58–This lady is kinda hot, too. I think I might need a nap.
4.01–I don’t know where my last comment went. But it’s time for that ridiculously overwrought but somehow still quite moving Portuguese ballad about the woman from the sea. Who, I guess, may or may not be a mermaid.
4.02–I wonder why people in the audience are holding inflatable hammers?
4.02–The “fans blowing into the singer’s hair for dramatic effect” count just got way higher.
4.03–Are people booting Latvia? I can’t really blame them.
4.04–I can’t imagine how many people are into pirate disco, but I bet there’s a lot of them. Seriously, though–pirates aren’t all that sexy. It’s all bad facial hair, silly shirts, and bandanas. I’d take a biker/fireman/UPS man over a pirate any day.
4.06–This song is so long, for three minutes. Three points to Latvia for trying, I guess, but that’s about it. Oh, now it’s that Swedish woman.
4.08–This Swedish woman is in black-and-white. Nobody else was in black-and-white! Oh, now she’s in color.
4.09–If she looks like a drag queen, sings like a drag queen, and sings songs that could be from Legally Blonde: The Musical…
4.11–I kind of want to turn the sound off on this damn Denmark song.
4.12–Imagine if everyone from Denmark and Sweden were this terrible?
4.13–This ass is dancing like a kindergarten teacher. I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again: Shut up, Newsie.
4.15–Now the blond woman from Georgia singing the song about peace. I feel like her Queen of the Damned outfit is even crazier than before. I like this lady, she’s got chutzpah. (And I don’t mean like Helen Hunt, who the Providence Journal movie writer said had chutzpah the other day.)
4.17–I don’t understand how she could have gotten out of that outfit that fast. Especially while she was singing. It’s nuts!
4.19–Time for Ukraine, and maybe a cocktail. I still don’t get this light-up mirror box thing her dancers are in, but it also looks like nobody’s cleaned it since the semi-finals.
4.20–This song is still bad, but I like the choreography in a way I hadn’t noticed before.
4.23–Ooh, the trophy is wonderfully tacky. And there’s only seven more performances, including Sebastien Tellier who’s up now!
4.24–Oh, he went the Aphex Twin route with the backup singers. And he has the fans blwoing his hair around, which is a nice touch.
4.25–I wonder if people think he’s blind too. Also, I feel like the camerawork for this set wasn’t totally planned.
4.26–This song’s damn catchy, though.
4.27–OMG it’s Azerbaijan with the angel wings and screeching. I can’t believe this made it to the finals and those adorable Belgians didn’t.
4.29–The guy in the chair reminds me a lot of the Beast. Or of the lion on Zoobilee Zoo.
4.31–I like how the Greece intro is people making out. Also, it’s time for my girlfriend, Kalomira, with her catchy song about her secret combination. This is right up there with Sebastien Tellier for best song.
4.33–I wish she had more dancers, though. And that she didn’t move her hands so much. But what a hottie!
4.35–Now it’s time for Spain. Only four more, too, and it’s a good thing because I’m going blind from looking at the screen. And by going blind I do NOT mean I’m spanking it while watching this ridiculous man sing his ridiculous song, thank you very much.
4.36–Remember Las Ketchup, you guys?
4.38–I hear booing.
4.39–Now cheering. It’s Serbia’s turn. I sorta assumed they would have gone last. But what do I know?
4.41–This song is too dramatic, and not in a good way. And, while I’m sure she’s saying something profound and goopy in her native tongue, to me it just sounds like she’s saying ‘too-rye-ay.’
4.42–Imagine if Celine Dion did a cover of Come On Eileen?
4.42–Also, this wrestler has something crazy going on in his crotchal area.
4.44–Oh, the Russian Wild World ripoff. Wait, did Switzerland not make it? I think Norway’s last, right? I was sure Switzerland made the finals. Weird.
4.46–Did he open his shirt all the way up last time? I don’t remember that.
4.47–And last is Norway. I guess Switzerland didn’t make it. Thank God, that guy was lame.
4.48–Did Maria and her look-alikes have those clothes on last time? I can’t remember, but I feel like they didn’t. Also, how many musicians do you think have tried going by just Maria over the years?
4.50–They’re recapping. I forgot how terrible Iceland was.
4.59–So here’s how the American jury (aka me) distributes their votes: 12 points, Greece; 10 points, France; 8 points, Croatia; 7 points, Georgia; 6 points, Norway; 5 points, Portugal; 4 points, Bosnia; 3 points, Turkey; 2 points, Finland; 1 point, Armenia.
5.00–Only eight minutes left to vote!!
5.03–Four and a half minutes. I better use the bathroom now!
5.00–I think Iceland was the worst song. Azerbaijan was the most awful to listen to, but Iceland was worse because they weren’t even trying. Spain and Sweden tie for the worst to watch. Albania was the worst vocal performance.
5.01–I wish they’d cut back to the green room and that sexy sexy sexy reporter they have backstage. But no, they’re recapping again.
5.05–I think the producers don’t want France to win, because they keep showing clips of Sebastian Tellier’s feet in the recaps, or long shots where his face is hidden behind the number you’re supposed to call if you actually live in Europe and have the ability to vote.
5.07–The host just said that he’s going to buy the CD of this year’s contestants. And ooh, they have downloadable ringtones. I want a Sebastien Tellier ringtone!
5.08–THEY’RE COUNTING DOWN BACKWARDS FROM 10 IN SERBIAN!!
5.08–The orchestra for weddings and finerals? Where’s Emir Kusturica when you need him?
5.11–Has Emir Kusturica done anything since The Widow of Saint-Pierre? I feel like he hasn’t.
5.14–Or, you know, maybe he had a documentary premiere at Cannes three days ago.
5.15–Okay, I know they have millions of votes to tally and whatever, but oh my God is this orchestra taking forever. All those whirling red and blue people in the background are probably about to pass out.
5.16–Oh, I forgot about the Time of the Gypsies opera. Good thing Emir Kusturica’s Wikipedia entry is giving me enough reading material to pass this never-ending performance.
5.17–They’re going to the green room!
5.17–Or, they’re introducing Terry Wogan. And Jean-Paul Gaultier, who is apparently commentating this whole thing for France.
5.19–I wish this guy in the Green Room was wearing that sexy one fingerless glove that he had on Thursday.
5.21–The UK voted for Greece, Latvia, and Turkey. Good job, British voters!
5.20–I don’t know who’s speaking, but apparently he’s very important. Oh, he’s the EBU Executive Supervisor. And ooh, the results are in!
5.26–Bosnia: 7 to Greece, 8 to Turkey, 10 to Croatia, and 12 to Serbia. So far the UK, Germany, and Romania are the only ones to have no points.
5.22–This Macedonian is a big homo. 8 points to Azerbaijan, 10 to Serbia, and 12 to Albania. Boo, Macedonia!
5.23–Ukraine gave 2 points to Greece. 8 to Georgia, 10 to Azerbaijan (!!!) and 12 to Russia. Widespread booing!
5.24–The German commentator is wearing angel wings. 10 points to Turkey, ans 12 to Greece! Ooh, I just shuddered with excitement a little.
5.25–Estonia gave their points to Norway, Finland, and Russia. Way to only vote for your neighbors, Estonia.
5.28–I’m surprised that everybody likes Turkey so much. I like the way the Albanians voted.
5.29–San Marino’s turn. I wish I had the money to go take a vacation in San Marino. Especially if I only went to San Marino and didn’t go to Italy at all.
5.30–Greece is winning, so far, with 67 points. And Sweden only has 5, so the world can’t be that bad of a place. Poland and Iceland are near the bottom, too. I didn’t think Germany was bad enough to not have any points, though.
5.32–Wow, Norway’s in fifth. Oh, and 12 points for Germany. They seem really excited that somebody finally liked them. I wonder if that nightmare Polish Barbie woman is in last now.
5.33–Serbia gave 12 points to Bosnia. I’m really surprised the votes are so close to what I would have chosen, since some of my favorite songs got eliminated in the semi-finals. Also, who knew people from Cyprus sounded so much like people from Virginia?
5.36–This reporter from Moldova is inept and not funny. Also, they voted for Romania. And the host called it Moldovia.
5.38–Iceland likes France (yay!) and Denmark (boo!)
5.40–Portugal gave ten points to Spain and people are booing. Also, if people only vote for their neighbors I think Greece would be pretty much fucked, right?
5.42–Oh my Lord, I hate that Danish guy even more now that they keep showing him backstage looking like an assy frat boy.
5.43–They keep saying what a great party they’re having backstage but aside from that hot reporter I can’t think of any reason I’d want to be back there.
5.44–I wonder how I can get to Eurovision next year… Also, Russia’s beating Greece by nine points now! And Armenia’s in third.
5.47–This Slovenian guy is wearing a hot jacket. Also, finally somebody voted for Croatia.
5.49–It’s finny how countries will fight for centuries, but when it comes to Eurovision everybody votes for their neighbors. And I don’t really get why. Also, the Czech lady just announced the wrong thing and now can’t stop laughing. “Thank you very mucg, Petra. You were excited.”
5.50–Spain voted for Romania, oddly. But their commentator has crazy bangs, And I don’t think Greece is going to win, unfortunately… Kalomira’s down by 13 now.
5.53–The lady from Malta’s wearing a pin with a circle and a red line going through it, but I can’t tell what it says. And Ukraine’s up to third.
5.55–Ireland voted for England, Poland and Latvia. Jesus.
5.57–Turkey aren’t screaming and flag-waving for the camera like everyone else. I like them.
6.00–This is long, isn’t it? It’s probably a good thing I don’t really watch TV. And fuck, Russia’s way ahead now.
6.02–Okay, Russia won. And there’s still a bunch more countries left to vote.
6.03–Close your shirt, Russian man. Oh, and now Ukraine’s in second. Poor Kalomira!!
6.06–I think I might try to cover “Secret Combination” this week.
6.07–And OMG this Georgian lady’s Paris Hilton hair and need to sing the songs instead of announcing them.
6.08–Close your shirt, Own Wilson lookalike ice-skating man!
6.09–Fireworks. And now I’m sitting here saying to myself, “Is that all these is to a Eurovision Song Contest?” What a letdown!
6.17–CLOSE YOUR SHIRT!!
6.13–”You were incredible because of us!” I hope that was a mistake, that the guy just said that.
Here’s the bottom quarter of the current crop of what’s getting rotated on Providence’s Top 40 station, 92 PRO-FM. It’s mostly songs from six months ago that just won’t die, which is good in the case of Alicia and Miley, and bad in the case of OneRepublic.
31. Fergie, Clumsy
B+
I actually think this is the best song to come off of Fergie’s now ancient The Dutchess album. Which might be why it’s still on the radio and her newer singles (Finally, which tanked, and the one from the Sex and the City movie) are nowhere to be found. I guess I really just like this for the Deee-Lite sample, but at least she’s not singing about a blanket anymore.
32. Rihanna, Don’t Stop The Music
A
Who knew that Rihanna would get all Michael Jackson clubby, or that it would be totally awesome? I’ve never been a big fan of Michael, or of this particular sort of poppy house music, but this song for some reason makes me really happy and my head starts bobbing every time it comes on. Also, thank you, somebody’s finally singing a song about the club that actually sounds like it belongs in a club. Take that, Usher.
33. Alicia Keys, No One
A
Did you know there have been two follow-up singles to this song? Like, there was one before that time that she stopped the AIDS rally with her earrings? Who knew? Not me. Anyway, seven months on I still really like this song, and, because it’s on one of my co-worker’s lite rock stations, it’s also the only song on the radio today that I actually hear every day.
34. OneRepublic, Apologize
D
Go away, OneRepublic! This song set records for number of plays in a week back in November, which makes sense in a way, I guess, because it caters both to people that like Timbaland and people that like shitty bar rock which is, if you haven’t noticed, a majority of people you may know. But dear God, I wish this song would just die already.
35. Chris Brown, With You
B
To the left, to the left. I liked Wall To Wall a whole lot better than this one and don’t know why it wasn’t a bigger hit, but this Beyonce-like mid-tempo ballad is pretty nice, for what it is.
36. Flo Rida, Low
B+
I know it’s probably a flaw in my own brain, but I just can’t get tired of this song. At all. No matter how much everybody else gets sick of it, or how many times I hear it blasting out of suburban Escalades, or how much I hate the idea of the boots with the fur and them baggy sweatpants. Also, this video reminds me how much I had wanted to see Step Up 2 The Streets when it came out. I wonder if it’s out on DVD yet.
37. Secondhand Serenade, Fall For You
D
Back at the start of the millennium, I was really worried that the sound of the twenty-first century was going to be the boring and strangely affected sound of Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton and Avril Lavigne. I should have known, though, that the sound would be the sound of whiny boys whining all whinily in emo power ballad after emo power ballad. Also, I think the emo boys of this decade put the cast of every Aaron Spelling show ever to shame when it comes to hair product consumption.
38. Miley Cyrus, See You Again
B+
Does this song not have a video? Is that possible? When she’s like the only person alive whose videos might actually get shown somewhere? Anyway, this reminds me of what Lindsay Lohan’s first album could have sounded like–a little like Pink, a little like The Sounds. With the same mysteriously can opener-y voice that Lohan and Ashlee Simpson have had since they were twelve.
39? Kylie Minogue, All I See
B
This isn’t actually on the playlist today, although it was when I checked yesterday. The choice to issue a Kylie single that sounds more or less like Usher is a strange one, and doesn’t play up the vampy part of X that songs like Christina Aguilera’s Candyman proved that America was ready for. Oh, well, at least her slow jam about being in the club is a little easier to dance to than Lil Wayne’s.
This is my liveblog of the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest. The finals are on Saturday, and I might liveblog those, too, if I’m feeling extra fool-hardy that day.
3.03–Christ, it’s started already. Something operatic that I don’t understand is happening. It’s very Andrew Lloyd Weber meets Busby Berkeley meets this one terrible porn movie about Satan that I remember watching on the Spice Channel when I was 14.
3.08–There’s dancing and umbrellas. Eurovision would be a good time to sample the vodkas of the world, I just realized. Iceland is wearing a hot pink sleeveless shirt under another sleeveless shirt and the worst part is I don’t think I hate it.
3.11–They’re quite ugly, though, aren’t they? Now people are throwing paint at each other. I thought one of them was Andrew WK for a second.
3.13–Charlotte Perrelli skinned a Yip-Yip martian to make her dress. And killed God knows how many witches to put her face together. There’s no way she’s really a woman, right? She looks like Candis Cayne’s grandfather.
3.16–Turkey’s up now. The singer looks like a sexy but malevolent doll. The song is better than I would have thought, too.
3.18–The camerawork is hilarious. This song’s actually pretty good. Or maybe that’s just after a morning of listening to Katy Perry.
3.21–Ukraine is happening. I like that someone singing a song about a Shady Lady picked the worst possible shade of eyeshadow to match her Ukrainian fake tan.
3.22–Have to say, though, I didn’t actually hate that song, either. When I watched the videos before I thought the first bunch of songs in this semi-final were all terrible.
3.23–Ooh, ooh, ooh, time for the worst song ever!!
3.24–This man makes me miss Michael Bolton. Remember Michael Bolton? He wasn’t so bad, in comparison!
3.27–Pee break!
3.35–Sorry, that was a long pee break. I missed Albania. And now this Swiss fool is bombarding my ears with Coldplay wannabe pianos and women from Cats that forgot their makeup.
3.36–Czech Republic. I like this one, although they cut the long DJ part at the beginning, which is too bad. And the Ice Palace theme is kinda nice.
3.42–This fellow from Belarus is kinda cute. His song less so. And I don’t get the light-up pincushion he’s standing on.
3.44–The Latvian pirates are on. Again, this is less awesome than it could be, although the chorus is growing on me. Plus, I think it’s time to admit that pirates aren’t actually hot.
3.48–I like how all these weird montages show off everybody’s flag colors, but pretty much every country has a red and white flag.
3.49–Ooh, time for 75 Cents from Croatia. They’re my favorite.
3.51–These folks have style. Plus 75 Cents reminds me a little bit of the Man From Another Place.
3.57–Bulgaria looked awesome with her giant dress and guy doing headstands. This Danish song gets more annoying every time I hear it, though. Why couldn’t they put the Raveonettes or the Oliver North Boy Choir in?
3.59–Go away, Newsie.
4.00–Ooh, time for the blind woman singing the song about peace. I didn’t hate it before, but I’m sure this performance will add forty extra layers of histrionics to the song.
4.01–She looks pretty good, actually. And I like her tAtU voice.
4.06–Hungary’s song is embarrassing. So is the singer-woman’s dress.
4.07–Malta’s turn. This lady’s awesome, I’m really excited.
4.08–Fake snow! And lots of male dancers!
4.10–And like a weird catsuit thing that I’m having trouble finding words to describe!
4.11–I want to hang out with this lady. She seems so fun!
4.11–Cyprus! I wonder how they’re doing politically these days. I feel like I haven’t heard since like 1992. Is it bad that I like this chick’s outfit?
4.13–Oh, one of her dancers isn’t holding a guitar this time. That’s too bad. Still, whatta woman!
4.14–I wonder what these people would be like to watch without the wonder of rapidly spinning cameras at every angle?
4.15–Ooh, that hot reporter man is wearing one fingerless glove. HOTTT!!! Also, what is that woman wearing? And do you think there’s really that much flag-waving in the green room?
4.16–Saturday. Eurovision vodka party. It’s happening. My house.
4.18–I feel like this Macedonian woman isn’t so much singing the song as making fun of the kind of people that would sing this song. And I don’t think it’s on purpose. Also, her backup singer guy is wearing a white fedora with white suspenders and white shorts! Holy shit!!
4.19–With white tights! I forgot to mention that part!
4.20–OK, time for Portugal. Against all common sense I like this song, and the woman in the purple and gold tunic that’s singing it. All-white outfits are quite the theme for the backup dancers this year, huh?
4.25–Everything said with a Serbian accent sounds really insincere. Or maybe it’s just this host woman. The winner of the first Eurovision is saying something. There’s something of Blanche Deveraux about her, and I don’t think it’s just the lavender garment that classification-defying that she’s wearing.
4.28–Relive the magic. If I could vote I’d be voting over and over for Malta and Cyprus.
4.28–Oh, I forgot to mention those weird light-mirror things going on with Ukraine the first time. Turkey was good, too. Maybe it’s a Mediterranean thing, which might explain why I liked that inspirational Poruguese ballad so much.
4.30–That pirate song would have been a lot better if Lebanon had done it.
4.33–I want to start a Mediterranean island-nation girl-group with Morena from Malta and the lady from Cyprus. That would be so awesome.
4.34–With only seven minutes left of voting they’re showing a travel video about Belgrade. I kinda want to go there.
4.35–While I don’t particularly want to go to Belgrade, it would be kinda fun to just spontaneously take a trip to Croatia or somewhere. And OMG another recap!
4.39–This Bulgarian lady cracks me up. But this All Night Long song makes me wanna die.
4.42–OK, My picks: 1. Malta, 2. Croatia, 3. Cyprus, 4. Turkey, 5. Georgia, 6. Portugal, 7. Bulgaria, 8. Czech Republic, 9. I can’t remember any others that I liked! And now the voting is done!
4.43–Time for…ballet?!
4.44–The stage is supposed to look like a bull breating smoke through its nostrils, right?
4.46–Well this is lengthy. Oh wait, it’s only been three minutes. But Lord!
4.49–Oh my God it’s still happening! Is it bad that I like their makeup? It’s bad, right?
4.49–Ooh, they’re going to the green room! Show the reporter, show the reporter!
4.50–England, still boring; Germany, still irksome; France, still wicked catchy.
4.52–Spain, still looks like something CSS can’t wait to remix; Serbia, still boring.
4.53–Ukraine lady’s English is better than Macedonia lady’s English, we now know.
4.54–Who invited the Satanic peasant?
4.55–Ukraine made it. Croatia made it. I’ve never heard Croatia pronounced without the o before; who knew? Now Albania made it. And Iceland. Lame!
4.56–Georgia made it. “Welcome to final, whoa Denmark! La Denmark!” Who voted for that fool?! And Sweden. This is terrible!
4.57–Latvia made it. Only two more, and they better be Malta and Cyprus!
4.58–Turkey made it, which is good. And the last one is… Portugal. Okay, Eurovision finals without Dustin or Morena will totally suck!
5.00–And, for real now, who liked that guy from Denmark more than that totally awesome vampy lady from Cyprus?!
5.01–Okay, I need to go now. God, that ruffled my feathers.
With one exception, songs 21-30 on the current playlist of 92 PRO-FM in Providence run the gamut from unremarkable and boring to hateful crimes against humanity. Luckily, there’s Britney Spears to liven things up with a song that’s actually half decent.
Incidentally, the chart this morning is different than the one yesterday, but the top 20 songs are all the same, which makes this easier for me. I don’t know if they update their most-played songs daily (that seems like it would be hard to do) but anyway, Katy Perry’s moved from 37 to 30 today and Kylie Minogue’s dropped off the chart. Making the world a considerably worse place, if you ask me.
21. Britney Spears, Break The Ice
A-
One of the many wonderful songs on Blackout, one of my favorite albums from the end of last year. It’s no Heaven On Earth, but I’m still amused when she says “I like this part.” I also think it’s funny now how everybody these days sings about their 808s, as though that’s something that most people in the audience can identify, let alone relate to.
22. Gavin DeGraw, In Love With A Girl
D
The Bud Light to the Maroon 5’s PBR, DeGraw’s incredibly lame funk-singing makes Lenny Kravitz sound really exciting in comparison.
23. John Mayer, Say
C
I was going to say that I didn’t know Mayer had a new song out, but I just learned this one’s been out since last fall. Probably written specifically to get an Oscar nomination for The Bucket List, which I don’t think it did what with all those fucking Enchanted musical numbers I remember sitting through. Say is by no means a good song, but it’s infinitely better than that creepy one about being good to your daughters.
24. The Spill Canvas, All Over You
C+
Oh, teenaged girls and their mysterious love of whiny boys singing about boring relationships with girls they can’t relate to. How I shall never understand you! This song is totally generic in every way, to the point where I’d have believed you if you told me it was a Taking Back Sunday song from six years ago.
25. Sara Bareilles, Love Song
B-
There’s a sub-genre of pop that’s really big these days–the kind where really boring women sing songs about love and maybe play the guitar a little–but for some reason only one or two of these songs is allowed to get airplay at a time. (Remember KT Tunstall?)
Anyway, this song’s been around since last July, and is probably the reason why Feist never got the airplay that everybody thought she deserved for that “1 2 3 4″ song. If only it could have also made Colbie Caillat go away.
26. Gavin Rossdale, Love Remains The Same
D
It’s nice to know that no matter how batshit his wife gets, Gavin hasn’t changed any. Oh, wait, what am I saying? Gavin Rossdale is tedium with a British accent. And his new song is just as boring as every other song he’s ever recorded (except Mouth, which was the one I think I liked from the American Werewolf In Paris soundtrack.)
27. Flyleaf, All Around Me
D-
This Evanescence-like mope-fest is apparently also a year old, although I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard it before. Although hearing singer/whiny nuisance Lacey Mosley I’d probably for more than ten seconds would probably just dull my senses to the point of amnesia anyway. It’s a bad, boring song until you get to the bridge, when it finally enters the realm of the truly horrific.
28. Forever The Sickest Kids, Whoa Oh!
C
Whiny emo nonsense. I like how the PRO-FM playlist lumps all the emo songs in the mid-to-bottom range of their playlist. Also, terrible emo bands are apparently on Motown these days, according to this Youtube clip I’m watching. God, the drummer has stupid hair.
29. Simple Plan, Your Love Is A Lie
D
If you had asked me six to eight years ago which new bands were going to be around all decade, I would have never thought 3 Doors Down (who I hated) and Simple Plan (who I liked) would be the most enduring. (Personally, I would have pushed more for Madison Avenue, but whatever.) Anyway, this is a blatant Green Day ripoff that’s nowhere as good as, say, I’d Do Anything, their debut hit that I still kinda like.
30. Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl
F
This might be the most deeply irritating song I’ve heard all year. Seriously. Take your typical Avril Levigne song, make the lyrics dumber, add some generic electro beats, make the lyrics a little dumber, and then replace Avril with a cartoon sea-monster that’s even more abrasive than anything you’ve ever heard before. Then make the lyrics even dumber one more time, process the vocals so that Perry’s irritating posturing makes you want to die, and then try one last time to make the lyrics dumber.
I’ll be liveblogging the second Eurovision semi-final starting at around 2 EDT. Hopefully that’s also the time it starts.
Here’s songs 11-20 on the 92 PRO-FM chart. I’m glad to know that OneRepublic are actually less popular around these parts than they are in the rest of the country.
Filed under: heterosexuals, music | Tags: 92 pro fm, chris brown, justin timberlake
My sudden love of the new Danity Kane song (which is seriously all over 92 PRO FM here in Providence) made me decide to investigate the rest of what’s hot on the pop charts right now. Here’s a look at the current top 10 on 92 PRO FM’s playlist, which is generally a few weeks ahead of the national charts; DK’s at the top here but only #14 nationally, for instance, and three other songs in the top 10 aren’t quite there yet in middle America. I’ll leave it to you to find the songs themselves.
1. Danity Kane, Damaged
A-
I never thought I’d like a Danity Kane song, but the tinny Damaged makes me happy every time it comes on (which is every time I get in my car), partly because I like it when every member of a girl group is audible on a track and partly because the five layers of histrionics actually a balance a song that is otherwise a big pink ball of foof. I wish Diddy would cut the shit with the talky voiceover fadeouts, though. “This too shall pass?” I hope so.
2. Usher feat. Young Jeezy, Love In This Club
B-
I prefer Usher’s bouncier numbers, and this isn’t much of a club song, but the beats are pretty good in that nineties techno way where I’d like to hear them in a montage at the end of one of those Boys Don’t Cry/Lost In Translation/The Book of Life movies that end with people driving. That Jeezy part’s pretty annoying, though, isn’t it?
3. Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love
B
The concept of bleeding love is sort of nasty to me, but the song’s got a good beat. I didn’t know until right now that Lewis won a reality show in the UK and that’s the only reason she’s such a big deal. If I actually heard this song 25 times a day the way that I think most people do I’d probably go nuts, but only hearing it once in a while I kind of actually like it, although it should be thirty seconds to a minute shorter.
4. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland, 4 Minutes
B-
The part of this video that shows the cross-sections of people’s mouths is disgusting. Also, if they only have four minutes to save the world, why waste the first 50 seconds of it on Timbaland saying the same thing over and over? It’s not my favorite Madonna song (far from it!) but it’s okay enough, I guess. I just wish it sounded more like everyone involved had put some effort into it.
5. Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown, No Air
C+
As you may know, I’ve got something of a crush on Chris Brown, and I think he’s what really makes this song, which is otherwise a drecky and conceptually lacking ballad from a past American Idol winner. It’s not terrible, but it’s definitely not good, and repeated listens would probably make me want to buy a gun.
6. Daughtry, Feels Like Tonight
C
This, the sixth single from Daughtry’s godforsaken 20-month old debut album, is actually far less dreadful than the first five. Which is to say that it sounds more like a Lifehouse album track than a Nickelback one.
7. Ray J feat. Yung Berg, Sexy Can I
C-
When it came to charm in the Norwood children, Ray J lost out big time; while his cuter/more fun/more interesting sister lays low until that whole involuntary manslaughter thing clears itself up, Ray’s wallowing in every R&B cliché imaginable. And while I kind of like this Yung Berg fellow, I get the feeling he’s only on the track because T-Pain had something else to do that morning.
8. Rihanna, Take A Bow
C+
I love Rihanna, I really do, but the girl needs to stop releasing ballads as singles. This sort of annoyingly empowered nonsense is pretty much Beyonce’s Irreplaceable Part 2, but I actually preferred the Rihanna of two summers ago that didn’t want to be a murderer. For the first 238572658275 listens, anyway.
9. Mariah Carey, Bye Bye
B-
A totally standard Mariah Carey ballad, to follow up on the marginally better Touch My Body. I like her a lot more than I used to, but this song is totally uninspiring. Also, I might be more into it if the video hadn’t been made for $4.99.
10. Natasha Bedingfield, Pocketful of Sunshine
B+
Bedingfield should have been a Merril Bainbridge-like anomaly, but her vaguely soulful pop is really popular here for some reason. This is no Unwritten, and the difference between the first and second parts of the song are sorta jarring, but it’s still likable.
