Mixtapes for Hookers

I’m Liveblogging Eurovision, I’m Liveblogging Eurovision!

5.03–Well that was, uh, something, I guess.  Less than half of my favorites made it, which is silly considering that more than half of the contestants made it.  But seriously, Poland and Azerbaijan over Belgium and Ireland?!?!

5.02–Credits. And a man wearing an incredibly stupid tie.

5.01–All ten winners are going onstage. Very. Slowly.

5.00–Norway!! Dustin didn’t make it!! This is bullshit!!

4.59–Armenia. And Poland, which was seriously the worst one of all 19.

4.59–Israel made it. And Azerbaijan, which was a nightmare of glitter and angel wings.

4.58–Finland. Lots of yelling. And Russia. Which was TERRIBLE.

4.57–Lots of applause for Bosnia. That’s nice.

4.57–Romania made it. Creepy though they were.

4.57–Kalomira made it first! Yay!

4.56–Oh, the excitement and witty banter are killing me!

4.55–OMG, the most exciting part of the show!

4.54–I want to eat this reporter up. Also, is Kalomira really Greek?

4.52–Songs that automatically qualify, UN Security Council style. The UK one is lame; I’m not digging Germany; Sebastien Tellier at least has a good video; Spain is dreadful, regardless of the level of sincerity involved; Serbia’s cheesy.

4.50–This reporter guy is kinda hot. I think I mean it this time.

4.49–I thought that bagpipe was a live pig. Also, headpiece microphones in skin tones totally look like disgusting facial growths!

4.48–I wish there was a way to have an American version of this that wouldn’t totally suck. Like maybe a 50 states one, where people would be encouraged to sing in their local dialect.

4.45–Something dramatic and midly awful is happening. There’s someone playing a tambourine in a way I’ve never seen before, though.

4:43–Liveblogging is more taxing than I thought it would be. I wish I had a drink and someone to talk to…

4.41–Only 35 seconds left to vote!!

4.40–Armenia sounded like CeCe Penniston for a second. That was her best second.

4:39–Poland looks like this terrible bartender I used to work with who had a creepy boyfriend and wouldn’t give me my share of the tips. Also, is it bad that Andorra’s growing on me?

4:38–San Marino should be more like Radiohead and less like, um, whatever they’re like.

4:36–Awkward banter… And another recap!

4:35–Ooh, a montage of Serbian athletes. They’re actually sort of an attractive people, aren’t they?

4:34–Yeah, Greece has the best song, but the performance wasn’t so amazing. I’m over thinking the host is cute.

4:33–If I had actually sat through this whole thing I bet the Finnish Lordi ripoff would have seemed like a refreshing change instead of a Lordi ripoff.

4:31–Ireland’s great, as expected. Andorra has the worst hair and headpiece thing I’ve ever seen, but the song’s not as terrible as I would have expected.

4.30–Slovenia’s better than I would have thought. Norway was apparently inspired by the last Annie video.

4.29–The Moldova woman is holding a teddy bear and I don’t like her anymore. The Belgians are still cute.

4.28–They’re recapping. Mr Cute Israeli’s wearing a shiny vest with nothing under it.

4.26–Ooh, a tennis player I’ve never heard of is on.

4.25–This host guy is kinda cute.

4.22–This song is good, even if the sound’s not so hot.

4.21–Yep, it’s just about over. But at least I get to see Kalomira. She’s dressed like a root vegetable.

4.20–Now there’s a montage of people setting up the lights. I guess this is in lieu of commercials.

4.18–There’s a figure-skating Owen Wilson lookalike. Now everyone’s clapping.

4.16–That Russian man is writing around on the floor. He’s supposed to go 18th out of 19. I think I might have gotten my time difference between here and Serbia wrong. Shit.

4.13–I still can’t get the plug-in to work.