Apparently this is last week’s news, but gay.com users recently voted Mike Rowe, host of the Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs, to be their hottest fantasy. I guess he’s sort of appealing in a generic way, though I realize that many men’s loins get indescribably fired up when they watch that show. I know, because I’ve watched that show in gay bars before. Ones that normally show porn, even. Also, my mother newest Facebook friend really likes it, too, and I can’t imagine why except that Mike Rowe takes his shirt off a lot and generally behaves like my father probably would when faced with a dirty job. Although, come to think of it, my father’s job is pretty dirty; he drives a truck back and forth between sewage treatment plants.
Anyway, I can’t really stand to watch that show, or much else on the Discovery Channel. My anthropology degree didn’t get me much, but it did make me uncomfortable watching TV shows where smarmy white people go around to show the rest of the world how dirty and gross the rest of the world is. Even worse is when they try to slum around, actually doing the job for an hour or two. (But wait until the host takes a shower after, or takes his shirt of for some other reason; I have literally heard grown men argue at length about whether or not this doucheface had a boner under his towel in that mudbath episode up there.)
Which is not to say I’d kick him out of bed; quite the contrary. He looks like he’d be totally unreciprocating in bed and probably a little on the lazy side, and sometimes that’s just what I’m looking for in cheap sex with strangers. He’s also pretty cocky, so it’s easy to make the assumption that he’s fairly well-endowed. But good Lord, men of America, this man is your one biggest fantasy? Jesus. Have you no imaginations?
At least if you’re going to pick a smarmy asshole from cable to fantasize about, pick the goober that drives the Cash Cab. Sure, he might just actually be a lame standup comic who mysteriously got a job hosting a game show, but if that guy didn’t make so many dumb faces and sound like such a condescending asshole all the time I’d totally do him in the back of his cab. Oh, who am I kidding, I’d do him anyway.
Filed under: heterosexuals, starfucking | Tags: chicago, in praise of athletic beauty, ryan dempster
Now that I don’t work every Sunday and every Monday night, I decided that once and for all I was going to become a football fan. But I’ve had three Sundays of freedom now and I’ve only managed to watch half of two games. I keep forgetting that it’s on, even though I really like the idea of spending an afternoon looking at muscly dudes in spandex pants running around and knocking each other down.
In theory, even if I’m not watching it, I like football. There’s eleven guys on a team on the field at any given moment, and they’re all running around and passing or catching or defending or executing complicated strategies. There are sixteen games in a season, which means that every game counts if you want to make it to the playoffs.
Contrast that with baseball. In baseball there’s like 40000 games in a season, which means that individual games don’t mean jack until you’re in the last two weeks of the season. Also, there’s not much strategy to deal with, since unlike the 11-on-11 football setup, the baseball field is a gloomy 9-on-1 situation. Although at least 5 or 6 of those 9 are just standing there at any given moment. And there’s 8 other people just sitting on the bench, waiting for their turn.
LAME. BORING AND LAME. Unless you just like baseball for the infinite amount of statistics that its games generate. Which is NERDY.
However, there was a time when baseball, at least visually, wasn’t totally boring. It was before my lifetime (which included a childhood full of dull, dull baseball movies like Field of Dreams and Rookie of the Year and The Sandlot and Major League and Major League 2 and that one about angels that had the lady from My Left Foot in it.)
It was the seventies. Back when baseball players had awesome facial hair. I’ve talked about this in passing before, but baseball was way more exciting when dudes at least had giant sunburns and handlebar moustaches to distract from the fact that baseball is REALLY FUCKING DULL.
However, at least one baseball player seems to realize the potential of some good facial hair:
