Mixtapes for Hookers

Forgive my tardiness with this one, but last week was just a giant swirl of holiday parties, bookbinding, cars not starting, album reviewing, etc. So forgive me if I’m a little bit passé, but I think now is a good time to say something to the world.

Dear World,
Oh My God would you please get over Michael Phelps already?!?!?!?! My poor eyes can’t stand to see his hideous face on the cover of another magazine!! Can we have a fresh, Phelps-free start to 2009 please? Thanks!

Yours Truly,
Me

It’s been about a year since I did my big feature here on the history of Sports Illustrated covers, and I sort of assumed I’d never think about SI again because I don’t really follow sports and I’m not really a fan of their writing. But I was shocked–nay, appalled–to see their Sportsman of the Year cover.

I mean, obviously it was going to Michael Phelps, and obviously Michael Phelps is about as attractive as wet toilet paper, but HOLY SHIT was this really the best they could have done. Behold:

Is he witnessing a small cute animal being murdered? Who makes that face unless they’re witnessing a small cute animal being murdered? And, really, who looks that unattractive wearing a wet shirt and tie? Wet shirts and ties are hot. This is not. If hotornot.com was still a craze, this cover would be a not and pretty much anything else, in comparison, would be hot.

Their other covers this year haven’t been so hot, either, although it doesn’t help that Phelps was on four of them. Still, seeing him with all his stupid gold medals in August made him look really lame, but not like he was actually horrified by whatever bloody carcass the photographer was apparently waving in front of his face.

Before the Olympics, he made the cover and, while it’s kind of funny that the stylists tried to make him look sexy, though oddly they didn’t completely fail. But at least they didn’t try to do anything like the first time they featured him.

If I had to pick a highlight from this year’s SI covers, I’d say Jimmie Johnson’s November cover might have been the hottest, if I had to pick one, although somebody went a little overboard with the eyebrow tweezers. And, you know, when I think ‘hot’ I don’t notmally think ‘product placement for a chain of hardware stores right below the Adam’s apple.’ And describing him as ‘Tom Brady in a firesuit’ on the cover was, um… Well, actually, I”m not sure what that description is, but it seems worth remarking on.