Mixtapes for Hookers

The Thing About The Other Johnston

It’s eternally amazing how far mainstream gay media goes to convince us that certain people are sexy. Any man under 30, if he is white and even slightly newsworthy, inevitably becomes the subject of horny adoration from blogs and magazines.  It’s not always unjustified; I won’t say I’m immune to Ben Cohen-mania, though most Americans (myself included) have never once seen a rugby game. But the same is true even when the allegedly studly subject is Bad For The Gays. Or frankly very plain-looking.  Gay blogs will even, once in a while, overcome their youth fixation to write about an older man, though those articles overuse the term “silver fox” and usually they’re just about ugly and irritating Anderson Cooper, anyway.

So I’m not surprised that gay media has so obsessively chronicled Levi Johnston’s Playgirl appearance.  Despite the fact that men have been exposing themselves in the magazine since the seventies, it’s always more exciting when the flaccid and heavily Photoshopped penis belongs to someone you’ve heard of before.  That’s fine.

What bothers me more, I guess, is that people in other corners of the world seem to care.  Though 99.9% of the world never noticed that Playgirl ceased publication almost a year ago, men and women just can’t wait to see the young man’s wang.   And in a way it makes sense.  After all, the boy’s dick is partially responsible for the fact that we’re not currently dealing with a McCain-Palin administration.  Mr. Johnston’s penis is a powerful weapon and just one shot can have worldwide repercussions.

He saved himself from a meddling mother-in-law and saved America in the process.  It’s a script that Vince McMahon could have written.  And though it’s trashy, there’s nothing really wrong with becoming a fame-whore.  He’s a young dad, after all, and probably has zero other marketable skills.

But.  The boy is the poster child for unprotected sex and teen pregnancy.  I’m not prudish by any means, but I think it’s irresponsible for people to hail him as a hero when his most definable trait is a disdain for condoms.  Seriously.  And teen parenting is not sexy, people.  All this obsession could have repercussions among underage Neanderthals the country over, and I don’t understand why none of the 95,928,757,290,579,274 outlets covering this story are focusing on that angle.

In just a few hours, the doughy redneck will be getting a Fleshbot award for a photo shoot that isn’t even happening until this weekend.  Unless he’s got a 24-inch penis, there’s no way people won’t be disappointed when the photos are finally released next month.  Then, hopefully, he will go away, or at least retreat to those corners of the reality television world that I don’t know about.

[photo ganked from Boy Culture]

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